Thursday, October 4, 2012

Hold on, Let me Check my Facebook (Real Quick)

Ahhhhhh, yeeeessss....

It's the ass-crack of dawn, and you barely have your sleepy eyes open wide enough to locate your partner and whisper, good morning, but some how you do manage to muster up just enough strength to slowly roll over, grab your smart phone, slide the screen to unlock it, and immediately check your Facebook page. After all, you have to see if anyone has responded to your witty posts and comments from the night previous, right?

You finally manage to get your groggy butt up out of bed, pull on some clothes, and head to work. Throughout your work day, you're forced to read and respond to no less than 13,467 emails. You Tweet (or according to Kathy Griffin, 'Twat') a few mildly amusing quips or news stories on Twitter. You pin a funny BluntCard or two on Pinterest along with a few new and ingenious recipes. After you go home for the evening (if you're into writing like me), you might post a blog if you're feeling particularly saucy that night. And before heading to bed for the night, check your Facebook again. Does this sound familiar? If so, you're not alone.

When it comes to social networking, Facebook is the cat's pajamas. Facebook is a lot like Wal-mart. You really don't want to go, but every so often you just have to; if not for the merchandise then for the entertainment value alone. My mother whole-heartedly believes that Facebook is an evil ploy aided by our government to get naive people (such as myself and the rest of the world) to give out personal information with little or no effort on their part. And who knows, she could be right. People put everything about themselves on Facebook without so much as batting an eyelash.

I bet your ass that some of your so-called "friends" make posts on Facebook that absolutely hit a nerve, don't they? I have a few friends that I genuinely contemplate de-friending on a regular basis because of the dumb shit that they continue to post. And don't get me started on how often these people are posting stuff! There's usually an update, picture, check-in, and/or game played every 33-36 seconds. Oh, I see that you just checked in at the Gyno! Good for you! Good luck on your pap-smear! Hope everything turns out all right!

Facebook is also notorious for enabling inappropriate, stalk-like behavior by just about everyone. Want to see what your boyfriend from high school is up to? Check him out on Facebook. Feel the need to get in touch with an old fling from that crazy weekend get-away seven years ago? Look him up on Facebook. Is it killing you to see what your new boyfriends ex-girlfriend looks like? Well by all means, please go and see what she looks like on Facebook. Chances are, she'll have 150 back-to-back pictures of herself in the bathroom, posing full out duck face.

I'm not on Facebook now as much as I was, say a year or two ago. Anymore, I'm just on there to "check-in" at various places, and I can do that on Foursquare. I've deactivated my Facebook account multiple times because there are days that I just get tired of the egotistical horse manure that people put out there (maybe I'm just a bitch?). But after about a week or two of proudly living Facebook-free, I log back in and come back for more. I'm currently trying to get enough courage to deactivate it for good. Maybe if they made those fun little tokens like they do for people in AA - then maybe then it would encourage me to keep off and stay off. And just think of all of the extra time that I would have to do other things - like check my email!!