Noise Pollution

I haven't written a blog in quite a while.

Actually, that's not entirely accurate. I've written several blogs over the course of the past twelve to fourteen months (twenty-one blogs to be exact) but I haven't published any of them. They sit in the "drafts" section of my Blogger account, waiting for me to do something with them. I think some of them are decent, but I also know that they're probably going to be controversial to some.

Millions of people across the country are astonishingly brave, especially when they get behind a keyboard. With that said, why do I have reservations regarding my own writing? Why should I care if I may or may not piss someone off? Everyone else lacks the common courtesy filter. Maybe I should look into that.

Most of the time, I bite my tongue when I know in my heart, I really should be speaking up. For instance, I was in the brand new Fort Thomas Panera (yuumm) a few weeks ago, when I witnessed a cranky older man absolutely laying into the two young girls behind the counter. Over coffee. Coffee. Since when did everyone become so disconnected and rude?

I almost spoke up...

If you're going to get nasty with people old man, how about you stay at home and make your own damn coffee?

But I didn't, dammit. There are many other scenarios where I probably should have opened my mouth, but didn't.The less confrontation, the better, right? Unless you're a blatant asshole, I probably won't call you out (as seen in my previous blogs). Or unless I've has a few beers.

Throughout my entire life, I feel as though I've been somewhat of a peacemaker. The type of person needing and wanting to make everyone around me feel as comfortable as possible. To make people laugh. To make them feel great about themselves.

Until now. Something in my mind has drastically shifted over the course of the last twelve months. Maybe it's the endless array of bullshit that I've been forced to endure time and time again. The constant battle to try to make my friends and family - and even complete strangers - happy. Happier than myself, even.

I'm getting to that point in my life where, I'm not biting my tongue any longer. Nothing in this life is safe or secure. Or nice. Or permanent. So stay tuned; this is just the prologue.

Control - Alt - Delete

Shortly after the holidays, Kim and I headed out on a Saturday evening to attend one of his comedy shows in Northern Kentucky. Nothing out of the norm, here. As we're walking in to the place, I get a Shannon Barno to my left, and I look over to see an old girl friend that I haven’t seen over five years. For the sake of this blog, I will call her Allison.

I cannot for the life of me explain this, but this run-in with Allison was bittersweet. While I had a fantastic time catching up with her, both of us knew damn well that we didn’t end things on a good note. When the night ended, we exchanged numbers but there was a strange silent understanding that there wouldn’t be any further contact. Not to mention, with the shenanigans that she and I used to get in to, I’m pretty sure that her husband can’t stand me. But that is neither here nor there.

Back when I was still friends with Allison I had the tendency to play the friendship game with some pretty toxic people. I don’t want to say that I was a pushover per say, but I did find myself putting up with a lot of shit that I shouldn’t have - and for what? For the sake of keeping the peace with people who weren’t even worthy of it?

Because I was keeping the company of contaminated people, Kim eventually brought my defect to a head. I was whining to him about Allison again who, at the time, was completely taking advantage of me. Kim stopped me and asked me why I let Allison constantly make withdrawals from our relationship without making a single deposit. To him, my relationship with Allison was obviously bankrupt. Puzzled, I looked and him and thought, well isn’t THAT is a fantastic question.

Very shortly after hearing those simple but very important words, I pulled the plug on our friendship. Sad, I know, but I felt much better. No more drama, no more withdrawals, no more heartache.

It would be wonderful if this was the only time I've had to end a crappy relationship, but anyone who either knows me or has read even one of blogs knows it's not. Not even close. Not by a long shot. I've had to weed out the liars. The manipulators. The cheaters. The pumpkin-pie eaters (kidding). You never see the bad ones coming because as a wise man once said, bad people are intriguing (thanks, Jorge Garcia).  About three months ago, I walked away from yet another toxic situation. This one wasn’t quite as obvious, but eventually I saw this individual's true colors, very shortly after Kim and I got engaged. This one was tricky - we had been great friends for years! But with a small jab here, a bitchy dig there, and an off-handed comment just about everywhere (not to mention her threat to kick my ass on my birthday) I soon realized that this gal was jealous. Who gets jealous of their own friends? You're supposed to be happy - better yet, ecstatic - for your friends and family, not jealous. Haters always gotta be hatin', right? Anyway, after receiving a super-shitty group text message regarding a un-invitation to her party (that’s right, instead of just calling me and talking to me like a freaking human being, I was uninvited via bitchy, threaded text), I was done. Of all the things in the world, that was the straw that broke the camel's back. Control, alt, delete.

If there is someone in your life who is making you unhappy, either because that person is constantly putting you down, or leading you into bad situations, or lying to you, or cheating on you, or generally treating you like garbage, and you're thinking of pulling the plug on that toxic relationship then just do it! He /she is NOT worth the pain and frustration. The genuine people that truly love you for who you are (GOOD friends; family members) will still be there. And all those little things about yourself that those toxic people used to refer to as annoying, or irresponsible, or stupid, or lame? Those things will undeniably be embraced - not ridiculed - by the people who really love you.

I'm Sorry...

I'm Sorry.

These two teeny-tiny words are not said (or heard) as often as they should be. When I'm wrong, I'm wrong, and I don't have a problem admitting when I am. Buy many others obviously lack the ability.

Recently, I made the conscience decision to apologize to someone – a friend, of a friend, of a friend – who I had hurt a while back. Not to make excuses for my behavior in the past but mentally, I was in a pretty bad place in my life. I’m certainly not proud of the way that I behaved at that time, but I did learn a valuable life lesson from it. If only I would have just went with my gut and stayed away from a few bad seeds, things would have been a lot different. But I can't go back, so, here we are.

Anyway, I knew that I had offended this woman, because she had made it abundantly clear to anyone who would listen to her – my close friends included. She continued to trash-talk me behind my back on a regular basis and well after the incident occurred. So, two years later, I swallowed my pride (and my fourth Blue Moon), and decided to finally nip this thing in the bud, once and for all. I pulled her aside and I apologized for my wrong doings, and she seemed to take a liking to the fact that I was admitting fault, on my part. In fact, she accepted my apology, and told me that she appreciated the gesture.

I thought for a very brief moment, that she had finally viewed the situation from my perspective. Apparently not. In fact, I couldn’t have been more wrong. The next day, she acted as though nothing had happened and immediately went back to her trash-talking. Apparently now she's upset that "things were brought up from the past," and she's "totally humiliated" because of it. So my question is: weren't these things already brought up from the past when you decided to trash talk me to my friends, not even a month ago? It makes zero sense to me.

Regardless, of this, I’m not completely full of shit. When I tell someone that I’m sorry, for God’s sake, I genuinely mean that I’m sorry. And the truly sad part is that I'm not the only person that should have apologized. There was another person involved! But by all means, go back to kissing that person's ass, why don't you?

After a lengthy conversation with a pretty good friend of mine, we chalked it up to the she's-bat-shit-crazy-factor. The fact that this woman acted as though things were fine one minute, and then completely changed her tune only a few hours later, leads me to believe that this is definitely the case.

***

At this point sweetie, I've said my peace. If you don't accept that then trust me, I'm completely fine with it. But the next time you see me out - right after you've been talking shit for the hundredth time - I'm not going to be so nice. Take your meds.

And That's Life, I Guess

As I get older, I miss being that free-spirited, happy-go-lucky kid, with every breath that I take. Let's face it - being a kid was awesome. No responsibilities, no worries, no regret... just pure unadulterated freedom from responsibility and uninhibited fun with likeable friends. I would partake in enjoyable activities all day long: I would ride my bike, roller skate, and when I got a little older, swim at the pool. I would laugh with my friends like there was no tomorrow. And Santa Claus! The thrill of Santa Clause showing up on Christmas Eve, and finding those wonderful gifts under the beautifully lit Christmas tree the next morning; was so very magical. I really don’t think there was anything in the world better than the way I felt at that very moment. I am extremely lucky to have had such a joyful childhood.

As a teenager, my biggest concern was whether or not the Delia's catalog I was constantly ordering from was going to have my size shoe, or if that cute boy in my art class was finally going to ask me out, already (come on, man!!). I ran track, was really big into theatre and acting, and relentlessly flirted with lots and lots of boys. The days where finding a killer Prom dress seemed to be my biggest worry - and accomplishment. Not to mention, I could eat like I was going to the electric chair and I never had to worry about gaining an ounce. Those really were the days.

College finally arrived, and I began to learn what it required to live on my own, was forced to buy things like laundry detergent and stamps (you know, the really fun stuff), and I had to be accountable for, well, um, everything. As a poor college student, I had to live on Ramen Noodles and Pop-Tarts and study incessantly and it was incredible! I was a Delta Gamma, so I got to go to things like mixers and parties, and fundraisers, and dances. Some of the best years of my life were had in that first year of college.

And now - I'm (gasp!) 31. As in, THIRTY-ONE YEARS OLD. I am an adult. A real life, bill-paying, condo-fixing, mother-of-two-spoiled-doggies ADULT. I can't even begin to tell you how saying this absolutely blows my mind. I don’t feel 31. Hell, nine times out of ten, I don’t act 31. How in the hell did I get to be in my 30's?! I go to work every day, deal with butt head complainers on a regular basis, have lots and LOTS of responsibilities - and even more bills. BILLS. Ugh, might I add that paying bills is a completely unfair (and tedious) task? It seems like there was always something that needs to be paid off or even more, repaired, and certainly at a price to me. Car repairs, home repairs, doctor bills, vet bills. I can't imagine how expensive having kids will be (and may I say, kudos to the parents out there working to make ends meet, just to keep their kids clothed and fed and in basketball/soccer/cheerleading/football, 'cause there is certainly nothing is cheap about any of that).

I will tell you that when I turned 30, this uncontrollable feeling of impending doom suddenly took over my once happy demeanor. Oh, and the little things – things that I hadn't really given much thought before - suddenly became life-threatening:

Oh no, could that skipping heart beat possibly be heart disease? Wait, could that constant dry cough be lung cancer? And hold on, what the hell is with all of these lines, wait are those…WRINKLES?! SHIT, maybe I SHOULD have listened to my mother and put on more sunscreen after all, instead of just telling her I did. OK, what's with that spot on my arm?? Could that be skin cancer?? Oh, thank God it's just an age spot. Wait, Doctor, did you just say I have an AGE SPOT? Seriously???

I will honestly but regretfully say that I have been to the doctor more times since I turned 30 than Heidi Montag with all of her plastic surgeries. It's absurd, really. It's amazing what turning 30 can do to a poor girl.

***

The whole idea of aging and growing up just makes me ponder the more profound questions in life. These questions go through my mind quite a bit now, especially when I see horrific things happening in our world today. I worry about things that I cannot control - I wonder why we are here and what our true purpose is. I also question why life flies by so damn quickly. This is especially the case when I am driving in my car for some reason; my mind has a tendency to wonder at that time. I have to wonder, is everyone like this? Does everyone worry about the things that they can’t change also? 

I will be the first to admit that I am terrified of death. I'm even more terrified of losing the people in my life that mean so much to me. I lost my cousin - my best friend - my partner in crime - when I was barely out of high school and there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t wonder why on earth God could take such a good person (kid, that is) away, and why she didn’t get to grow up and experience the things that I was able to experience over the course of the past 12 years. None of it makes any sense to me. Maybe in the "end", I will finally get to see why.

Time goes back quicker now than it ever did when I was younger, when I spent so much of my energy wishing to grow up. I let it all slip right by me. I don't know that I ever really appreciated being so young and carefree. I will say, that now, everyday, I sure as hell try to appreciate what’s right in front of me. Everyday is truly a blessing.

And that's life, I guess.